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a compass was there to get you thinking

I am trying to upload this new thing on my blog....I need to post the sentence above for verification.  

The Blog...

 Hello everyone.  I just wanted to let you know that I am making some changes to my blog.  I would like to thank everyone who has decided to follow my blog and give me inspiration.  Even though you guys do not always give me ideas to write about, but you guys made me realize that I probably would have stopped writing on this thing weeks ago because I never thought that people would actually want to read what I had to say.  It surprises me, but keeps me going.  Like I posted yesterday I will be changing the name of this blog and most of it contents.  I will still talk about Maggie, and share our story with you all, but I feel like I am being misguiding because I am not just talking about Gastroschisis, I am talking about my life, my problems, my wants and wishes, and my fears.  I am opening my mind to everyone.  

I have some homework for you all.  I was thinking about renaming my blog Life, Love, and Beauty.  I want your opinions on this decision.  Also, I have taken notice that the blog has 7 followers now, that I have 7 followers now, and because I want to get my story out there and make this bigger thank just my story I want to try to get 3 more followers in a 15 days.  So if you know someone that you think would like what I have to say, PLEASE share this with them!!!


Until later tonight!

Blog name

Hello again everyone.  This is just a quick message to let you know that I plan on changing the name of my blog.  Mostly because this blog has become more about Maggie and I's (more of mine) life and I don't think that calling it Gastroschisis Babies Together is ok.  I am up for suggestions though!

An after thought...

Last night, I was thinking about what I had said about the self-esteem book.  I totally think that it is normal that any person who just had a baby has every right to second guess herself.  I think that my "reality" is who I used to be.  Not that I just all of a sudden got disgusting, I am just trying to figure out how or who this new person is that I have become.  I feel like I have had to make a one eighty in my life in just a short period of time, and that I became a totally different person when Maggie was born.  The more I think about it, who hasn't people!  You become a mother, you becomes the person who has baby goop on your favorite top or takes a nap instead of a shower.  I am sure that way down under all of my layers you could find me in there some where, but for right now, I am going to let myself adjust to who I am now.  I know that I am still that girl that I want to be from my "reality".   I just need to learn how I can incorporate her into my new life. 

Our escapes from reality,..

Philip K. Dick said that “reality is that which, when you stop believing in it, doesn’t go away.”  When I started this post I thought to myself, who does not realize what reality is?  I could assume that the realty of Maggie getting sick is because I am a bad person in some ways, but then again the reality of that could be that I was that way because for most of my life I was deceived, taken advantage of, and disliked by most of my peers.  The reality of Philip K. Dick’s quote is that instead of giving something meaningful to us, he is just giving us another vocabulary lesson. 

In reality our realities could just be theories right.  I mean how do we know that the true color of this font isn’t pink or white, but to our reality it’s blue? 

My reality is that I am a mom, a college student, a lover, and according to my fiancé a little crazy at most times. In MY reality I am a mom, college student, lover, and I guess crazy at times, but I also see myself as this natural beauty who doesn’t think she is, an easy going person who could roll with the punches at the best of times, smart and creative, but when I look at myself in a mirror all I see is this disaster of a person.   I didn’t loose the sense of who I am, I am just growing into another time in my life because my life has changed.  That my fellow readers and mother is the reality, MY reality.

Now, most people right now are going, where in the hell did she get this from?  Is she on something, but ironically, the reality is, is that I am ok to accept the fact that I may have some issues.  I think that since I have had my baby four months ago that I am this disastrous person. 

Ok, now that I have established that, what are we going to do about it Ashley?   To answer those interesting question I am going to attempt to do a self-esteem book. Wish me luck everyone! 

Sick Baby

When Maggie went back into the hospital I was terrified and I kept fooling myself.  Telling myself that it was just a false alarm and we would be home in a couple of days.  Every day that we were there I would tell myself this, that was before the doctor came in to tell me that my baby may have a liver disease called biliary atresia.  I hate crying in front of people.  Even Mikey, but I couldn't hold myself together.  I was scared for Maggie, so many possiblities were running through my mind.  They told me that she would need a liver biopsy and that a GI specialist would need to do it. 

UC Davis, the number one children's hospital on the west coast, you would think that they would have a GI specialist, but what was I thinking to assume that?  Don't get me wrong I love the UC Davis NICU.  It is an awesome place, everyone is super nice, they care, and it is on lock down like all the time. 

Anyways, so they told me that Maggie would need to go to San Fransisco.  So San Fransisco hear we come. 

I wanted to tell you guys this part of my long story because Maggie being sick again brought back memories that I thought I could put behind me and never have to remember again.  I have gone through lots of times in my life when I have done this, but things never get solved and they have a way of bitting you in the butt.  Anyways, when you have a child that is born with issues and spends the first month, three months, or first few days in the hospital you start to grow a fear that it will happen again.  I can't really say that it just happens to parents with special needs infants, but with any parent.  It is scary because you don't know what is going to happen.  I feel like I am repeating myself, but it's the way I feel.  Maggie just started being fussy about yesterday at 3pm until Mikey got back from Altruas with the Vicks, both the rub and stuff you put in the humidifier, and saline drops.  I see a huge difference in her and her attitude. 

My point is, is that when the cold got worse then I started saying "UC Davis here we come again, at least Mikey will be down here again too."  I started thinking negative because I just thought that is what was just going to happen."  She is doing much better now, still not feeling well, but better and I know that I shouldn't have thought that way.  Positive thinking is better for you soul, but hard when it lets you down.

The first cold

I am getting really bad about getting the hang of this blogging deal.  I love to do it. I love that people come up to me around town and say that they have been reading it.  It makes me feel great that my hermit life is interesting to them. 

I have barely left the house with Maggie at all.  If I need something at the store Mikey goes, some one to check the mail, Mikey goes, and if I just randomly want a soda, Mikey goes.  Now I want everyone to know that Mikey HATES going to the store and the post office.  I don't know if it is because he doesn't like to leave his chair once he gets the chores around the house done or if he just doesn't like to run into people.  Either way I think that it is really sweet of him, but I have a feeling that he does it so that he doesn't want to be left with Maggie for very long.  Anyways, so Maggie and I start venturing out with him.  Not like going to get the mail or go to the store, but for drives in the mountains or out in Nevada.  It's nice because we get to spend quality time together and I like that. 

The main reason why I don't leave my house is because I don't want to get sick.  It worked for awhile we were all healthy and doing fine, UNTIL we started doing these drives.  I don't know how it happened but Mikey gets a three day head cold, Maggie gets a head cold, and of course if Maggie and Mikey have it, I get it.  It doesn't matter if we wash our hands, I disinfect everything with Lysol spray and bleach, and we try to avoid sick people, we still end up with something nasty.  Normally I don't mind because I can handle a nasty cough, or a splitting migraine, but as soon as I get a stuffy nose I am down for the count.  I can't breath, my eyes feel like they are tired, and my head just floats off of my shoulders like it were a balloon.  Not to mention not matter what type of tissue I use my nose still turns into Rudolph the Red Nose Reindeer. 

I know that I am complaining when Maggie has it too, but don't worry I already feel horrible about her being sick.  The first reason why is because for most of her life she has been a sick baby, but mostly because I know how miserable I am and I can only imagine how bad it is for her.  It's not like she can blow her nose.  I tried all day not to take some cold medicine because if she could suffer through it, so could I.  Unfortunately by this afternoon I couldn't handle it any more I NEEDED SOME RELIEF!!! I put boiling water on the stove with some vinegar in it, it helped clear my nose up for an hour.  I was going to do it to Maggie too, but it kind of burns your already dry nose a little and I was not going to put my baby's head over a boiling pan of water!

So despite how much Mikey does not like the smell of vinegar I am putting it in the vaporizer tonight.  I am wondering if it would work, but I will let you guys know for sure.